This thicket I call life
Do you ever get the feeling that when fate throws monkey wrenches in the works it’s to tell you that you’re on the wrong path? I’ve felt like that for quite some time, but hadn’t adhered to the notion of it. But I get it now & I am hellbent on implementing it in any way I can…both health wise, spiritually & so on. Cause I’m just tired of all the crap.
Thinking back it’s like Murphy’s law have been my constitution for the past 10 years…& to my own dismay I’ve realised that I’m the one that carved it into stone by accepting that things are the way they are because *insert whatever lame excuse here*. I’ve had dreams, big ones, little, mediocre & some that are just flat out batsh*t. But they were mine & I wanted them sooo bad. But instead of going after them actively, I planned & bided my time instead… Cause you get second chances if you don’t rock the boat, right? WRONG! The whole “don’t rock the boat” concept is complete & utter bullshitzu. If you can swim, or can’t but have on a life jacket, then rock the god damn boat! If it gets you closer to what you want then have a freakin’ mosh pit in a dingy for all I care, just do it! Living with regrets will eat you up alive.
What triggered most of these thoughts are the crap that’s been happening lately…but I also opened a letter I wrote to myself back in 2010. It contained all my hopes & dreams for that decade. I couldn’t cross off a single thing on that list & that disappointed me big time. I got sick in 2012ish, so of course that has tinted most of my decisions..& then there were other things that happened that was out of my control. But regardless, I’ve still had some of those dreams lingering in the back of my head despite everything that's been going on.
On top of that list was getting a bigger family. It’s been crystal clear in my mind. The sound of tiptoeing down the hallway towards me & my husband’s (That’s no. 2 on the list btw.) bedroom in the morning & 3 little ones (Yup, one girl & twins. Hey, it’s MY dream.) giggling outside the door before they run in & ambush us. Have to admit that I’m tearing up writing that, because I’m 41 & I know that I would have to be able to rock a friggin’ supertanker to make that one happen. So in an attempt to avoid becoming resentful & bitter, I’m trying to let those images & dreams quietly drift off into the ether. But have to be honest, it’s so painfully hard letting go.
No. 3 was writing a book. …& that I have been doing. Still need to pull it all together cause I’ve just been writing whatever’s come to me. So the last stretch is to make all the pieces fit neatly together. Don’t want to rush that process though, cause I love writing. Wether it’s a few words on twitter, a quote on a piece of paper simply because I found a new font I liked, or even a quick hello on snapchat. Anyhow, I didn’t finish the book, but glad that I started. If it ever gets published, that’s for this next decade to decide. Definitely giving it a go…& yes, the grammar will be better than in this blog. ;P
No. 4 was building a successful business. That went straight to the dumpster. So did No. 5, 6, 7, 8 & 9…
No. 10 was getting a dog, but I held back on that cause I pictured kids first. Wanted the dog to grow up being used to all the mayhem kids create from day one rather than the other way around. It’s just safer that way. But there’s a silver lining here too…cause after 18 years of cleaning up my cuckoo cat’s poop, I began to sway towards not wanting more animals at all. Unless maybe I have a farm with room for icelandic hens, because you know, eggs & viking heritage…& then there’s honey bees, but those are insects, so…haha! xD I digress. The point is that I realised that I want to be able to just lock the door & go. If it’s a spur of the moment road trip or a month in Hawaii. I just want to go without having to ask someone else to use their precious time on this earth to look after my furry friend. Of course that may change in time, but for now I’m rather adamant about it. Plus it would be nice if my dad could stay with me for longer than a few hours at a time without getting an allergic reaction.
Speaking of getting back on track… I’ve always been better at steering others on the right path while going totally off script myself, self sabotage all the way. …& the more I do that, the further I move from what fuels me. It’s great imagining your dream life & seeing clearly what steps are needed to get you there. But what really gets you over the finish line is discipline. …& I’ve been trying to implement that for the past couple of months. But as with anything in life you’ll definitely come across a distraction or two along the way. The question that needs to be asked then is: Does this fuel or deplete me? If it’s the latter, then try to have the discipline to walk away. I strongly believe that’ll stop fate from throwing sh*t at you. BUT as the guinea pig of that theory that I am, I’m learning the hard way...& the lesson is: The further you stray from the path the bigger the object will be thrown.
I've also been reminded that there has to be a balance… A person can’t just go from work to the gym, then home, & repeat, like a robot. There must be some social interaction aka fun in-between, I kinda forgot about that. So you see, I’m still manoeuvring through this thicket i call life at the moment. Trying to find a sense of purpose & some sort of balance. Honestly, all I wanna do is purge every single thing that doesn’t serve that journey... Go completely OCD, organise everything I own, make the bed so snug you can bounce a quarter off of it & so on. Then, for the sake of balance - invite some lunacy back in. Just enough to not make me stray, but spice life up with a touch of mischief.
Be neither a conformist or a rebel, for they are really the same thing. Find your own path, & stay on it. ~Paul Vixie.