It's weird not living anywhere permanent... Homeless in a way. Since I can't seem to decide where to put down roots, we're just floating around for a while. It feels senseless to settle down somewhere again, just to move on yet another time. I really wanna start putting my plans into reality, but I have this nagging feeling inside that it's somehow too late... That I've somewhat grown out of it. The plan involved a younger son, getting to grow up with a happier, more driven mum, a real family life in our own house, packed to the rim with lotsa love & laughter. Instead it slowly blurred out...like a flame deprived of oxygen. Mostly cause of letting other peoples needs go before our own. Using money, time & energy on people that - in hindsight - are egotistical pieces of human dung. It's just drained me... I'm actually moving forward on some imaginary fuel, or stubbornness maybe? I'm hanging on though... Tied a knot at the end of the rope, & hanging on. :) So guess the dream still lingers, like one of those seeds that hangs around in the spring just waiting for something to grab a hold of. Then it sticks to you, until you yank it off... Then the wind grabs a hold of it & gently cradle it down to the ground...& in time you look up & there's this huge tree in front of you, slightly different than you imagined...but still, it's there. *Hope* But it's hard to rekindle that candle, especially these days. It's loads of things I don't mention here, cause it's private. But this past year's been really shitty - to say the least. Been tempted to beat the c**p outta certain a-holes. BUT, trying hard to focus on the good things now, especially cause of the fact that it is what it is - the past. I can't do jack s**t about it... Just learn from it, & never let my judgement get clouded in the same way again. :)
Hope I'll be able to put down some roots in a not so distant future though. Cause first of all - my son needs it, plus I miss our belongings, making food in our own kitchen, paintings hung on the walls, movie nights, BBQs outside & my herb garden. Wish I wasn't on autopilot now. Feels like I'm a zombie staggering through the cement jungle, searching for a sense of purpose...
Well, going to bed... Hope I'll wake up in a tad bit different mood. ;)
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, an sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." ~Marilyn Monroe.